"I, never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But, love remains the same."
- Gavin Rossdale, Love Remains the Same
I hiked a few miles with my pack on today. It only weighs about 20 pounds, but I thought I'd be carrying less on the Camino. Perhaps I'll shed some of it before I reach Santiago de Compostela. After all, it's been a year of letting go.
I leave for Boston on Friday, but honestly, it still doesn’t feel “real” that I’ll be heading to the airport with no return ticket and an ambiguous itinerary. It’s taken so much to get here and it’s not happened at all like I envisioned it.
Despite careful planning and carefully executed to do lists, the road to my departure has been long and treacherous. I hadn’t planned to take the breast cancer detour, and am so grateful to have that part of the journey behind me. I know that through the healing process, I'll better understand what I was meant to learn from the tiny cancer cells that invaded my body. I trust in the wisdom of life. Still, if I could go back in time and was given a choice, it’s an experience I would not choose again. I look forward to reconnecting with my body in the coming months and re-balancing. It's time listen deeply so that my body learns to trust me again.
Just as traumatic was the recent dissolution of my relationship with my Beloved. My upcoming travel was originally part of shared dream. We had planned to step out into the world together as "Journey Couple", but we separated last week and will not be "moving out" together as planned.
The hurt and angry part of me wants to share all the details with you, to enlist your support and understanding. My ego wants you to take "my side" in all of this and affirm that it's his fault that we aren't together anymore. But the truth is (at least from my perspective) that we'd been struggling for months. I love him. I wish we could've found a way to bridge the differences that were pulling us apart, but it felt like we were both exhausted from the effort of trying. We've shared many beautiful memories over the past few years, and I believed that we'd find our way through the transitions and challenges we'd been facing. I didn't expect it all to end so abruptly. It's been sad and disorienting.
I wish I had the words to share all of this with you in a way that felt respectful and clear, but I'm still processing all that has happened. So this week has been a blur with storms of tears passing through, occasional rays of hope as I daydream about my travels, and the silence of words that feel like they were left unsaid.
So this is it. I'm on my own with a heart that is aching, but is also beating with the possibilities that lie before me on the road from here.
I'm packed. My to-do list is dwindling down to a just a few things to check off before I head to LAX. I've spent time with my sister this week, and am looking forward to hanging out with my daughters for a couple of days and visiting a few friends before I go. And then...
Adventure awaits. It's time to go walk for awhile. Walk and write and heal and learn and grow and embrace the unknown.
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Next up....FINALLY...a weekend in Boston and travel to Spain via Paris to begin walking the Camino!