Allowing my heart to break
Carried away by the
current, my heart
crumbled into a million pieces.
"Ma!" I cried. "Help
me gather them up."
But she only asked me, "Why?"
~ Calista, written in a cafe in Nosara in January 2019
Midnight came quickly. A wave of music carried me into the new year. I danced. I sang. I cried with joy. I felt the pulse of gratitude surge through my veins, keeping rhythm with the clapping of hands and the beating of drums.
The celebration came to close, but the singing within me continued. Actually, my heart started singing a few months ago in a jungle in Peru, and it hasn’t stopped. Sometimes, the surrounding noise makes it hard to hear, but when I become still, the music is there.
Last year was tumultuous. Reflecting back, some words that describe the first half of 2018 are - transition, chaos, fatigue, betrayal, and pain.
At the end of July, I left Southern California to live in the world. I felt a mixture of relief, joy, and uncertainty. It was a big step, one that changed everything. The second half of the year shifted and the words that describe it are significantly different - spaciousness, connection, exploration, adventure, dynamic stillness, and healing.
This year has just begun. I'm not sure what words I'll use to describe it when I look back, but there is one particular word that is the center of my being right now. That word is...
What is devotion? Here's what it means to me in this moment...
Devotion is surrendering myself to my practice - showing up every day in prayer and movement and breath.
Devotion is practicing gratitude for all that has been given and all that has been taken.
Devotion is allowing beauty to break my heart over and over again.
Devotion is creating the space within me to carry all of it - a river in the jungle, the blood moon, the sound of howler monkeys, the taste of fresh mango, the feel of cool breeze on my skin, the brilliant turquoise of glacial lakes, and a universe of bioluminescence in dark water.
Devotion is listening and then getting distracted and then listening again.
Devotion is letting go of what needs to be let go of.
Devotion is being carried in the arms of the Mother - allowing myself to be nurtured and healed.
Devotion is trusting. Completely.
Devotion is an eternal dance - the ecstasy of union, the grief of separation and the bliss of reunion.
Devotion is choosing love as a path, knowing that the choice to love looks different in each moment.
Devotion is singing to Ma for no reason other than that she’s given me a voice and placed a song in my heart.